A Secondary Cause of Vaginal Pain
What should you do if you eliminate the primary causes, and you still experience vaginal pain? What if your doctor finds no physical cause for your discomfort during intercourse? That can be very discouraging to most women, who begin to think that it's all in their heads. If the pain is not physically caused, then it must be psychological, right?
Not necessarily. In fact, most cases of persistent vaginal discomfort are not due to primary causes at all, but rather to a reflex called vaginismus. It's not psychological or emotional, it's very physical. Vaginismus is a painful reflex that is created in association with a primary cause of vaginal pain. In other words, if you experience vaginal pain from any one of the primary causes I've mentioned, vaginismus can develop secondarily. Long after the primary cause is ended, the vaginismus can persist.
This reflex responds to stimulation of the vaginal opening. If you suffer from vaginismus, you will notice it most when you first try to insert something into your vagina. The opening involuntarily contracts and pain is immediately felt. In extreme cases, the contraction is so tight that nothing can penetrate it.
From this description, you can see how it would interfere with intercourse. Regardless of how sexually aroused you might be, or how lubricated your vagina might be, as soon as you try to insert your husband's penis, you would experience excruciating pain. It may be difficult to insert his penis, because the vaginal opening becomes constricted. In some cases, it is impossible to insert a penis.
Naive couples often don't know what to make of vaginismus. Some of my clients believed it was God's punishment for their having sex before marriage. Others have blamed it on the sins of their parents. But whatever its cause, it certainly feels like punishment for something. Only after I am able to explain the cause of the reflex and help them eliminate it, do they realize that sin has nothing to do with it.
There is a tried and proven way to overcome the vaginismus reflex. If you follow this procedure, I guarantee your success. I recommend that you follow the exercises I recommend in the privacy of your bathroom, or when you are alone in the house. Your husband should not be included until the later sessions.
First determine how strong the reflex is and what triggers it. The way to determine its strength is to insert your finger into the vaginal opening to see what happens. If there is no reaction to your finger, insert something increasingly wider, like candles, until you can trigger the reflex. It will be an involuntary contraction of the opening as you try to insert the object, and it will be painful.
Notice how large the object must be before the reflex is triggered, and how tight the opening gets. The smaller the triggering object, and the tighter the opening, the more difficult it will be to extinguish the reflex. If you can't get your finger into the opening without extreme pain, you have a very well developed case of vaginismus. But regardless of its intensity, it can be eliminated.
The way to eliminate this reflex is to set aside a few minutes each day, preferably several times a day, to expose the opening of your vagina to penetration without triggering the reflex. If you can associate vaginal penetration with no pain or discomfort, the reflex will be extinguished. But remember, even an occasional triggering of the reflex can strengthen it.
Begin each session by covering your finger with water-based lubrication (such as K-Y jelly, Vagisil Intimate Moisturizer, or Replens Vaginal Mosturizer). Very slowly, lubricate the opening of the vagina with your finger, then slowly insert your finger about an inch. Even in the worst cases of vaginismus, a finger can be inserted so slowly into a lubricated vaginal opening that the reflex is not triggered. In a slow circular motion, gently rub the vaginal opening with your finger in ever-increasing circles. Remember to go slowly enough not to trigger the reflex or experience any discomfort. After you have rubbed the opening for about a minute without any pain or discomfort, slowly insert your finger into the vagina, and in a circular motion gently rub the inside of the vagina as far as your finger will go. Then remove your finger, and do the same thing all over again. Do it about five times before you end the session.
You will notice that after the first insertion of your finger, the opening is much less sensitive, and you will be able to penetrate much more quickly without triggering a reflex. Move your finger slowly enough so that you avoid any discomfort. But after a while, you will find that you can move it very freely without pain.
You may end the first session thinking that you have overcome the reflex, only to discover at the beginning of the next session that it is back. So start the next session very slowly and carefully, doing again what you did during the first session. When you think you are ready, use a larger object than your finger, such as a candle, and increase the diameter of the object until it is about the size of a penis. Be sure to re-lubricate whatever you choose to insert, and go slowly to avoid the reflex.
The number of sessions to completely eliminate the reflex will depend on the severity of the vaginismus. But when it is eliminated, you should be able to insert an object the size of a penis, with lubrication, fairly rapidly without any pain or discomfort.
There are some women who are not comfortable touching themselves, and would prefer having their husbands carry out these exercises. While it can work, the problem with anyone else doing it is that no one but you knows precisely how much pressure to use, and your husband would inadvertently trigger the reflex far more often than you would. That means that it would take much longer for you to overcome vaginismus with his help.
His turn should come after you are convinced that the reflex is extinguished. Up to this point, obviously, you should have avoided intercourse, because it would have brought the reflex back. But when you think the reflex is gone, it's time to start having intercourse again. Unfortunately, you will find that after you have learned to insert a penis-sized object into your vagina without incident, the reflex may suddenly reappear the first time your husband tries to insert his penis.
To prepare for that common outcome, the first time you have intercourse you should insert his penis yourself. Use plenty of lubricating fluid, and lay on top of him when you do it so you can control the penetration. He should lay motionless so that the penetration and thrusting is done only by you so you can stop whenever you experience the least amount of discomfort. Eventually, you will be able to insert his penis without any pain, thrust as fast and deep as you want, and experience no discomfort whatsoever. The vaginismus reflex will have been eliminated.
If it ever comes back, it will be in a much milder form, and you will be able to eliminate it in a day or so by going back to inserting his penis yourself and controlling the thrusting motion during intercourse.
To repeat what I have already said numerous times, whenever you experience any pain during intercourse, stop immediately. Then solve the problem before resuming intercourse.