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I don't know what to do about the current state of my relationship. My boyfriend of over a year recently told me we have a major issue in the sex department. Everything else is good, but our sexual relationship seems to be waning away. Our sex has never been fantastic, nor horrible, but since everything else is really good, he's a really sweet guy, and I love him, I thought I could deal with sub-par sex. But now he says that he has such a high sex drive and I'm not giving him enough sex to be satisfied and that I don't initiate it. But I feel like he is the one who puts no effort in. Since he brought it up I've felt so miserable and I tried talking to him about it. I tried to not be mean but honest telling him he seems uninterested in having sex when we do and that I feel he just waits for me to start the sex and then do all the work. I tried to nicely tell him that the sex has become boring for me and that I have lost confidence in bed with him because of his apparent lack of interest/attraction. I've told him how much I care about him and how in previous relationships I have enjoyed having sex more frequently, and that he doesn't seem to care about my satisfaction and can be a little lazy and passive during sex. He says he does care but nothing really else. I told him to talk to me about what he wants if I'm not meeting his wants like I tried to explain to him what I want and need but he just says he has nothing to say on the subject that he brought out to begin with. I'm tired of being the only one who tries to make an effort to fix things and I don't know what else to do. We are both saying we want more sex, I want to be comfortable with him and vice versa, but nothing is coming of this because he refuses to try to talk about this. I feel it's unfair that he is leaving OUR sex issue for solely me to fix. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated, I am truly going crazy over this whole situation and cannot take it anymore.
asked in Love and Relationship

1 Answer

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This can be one of the most difficult situations to be in in a relationship. Mainly because sex seems to be a small and trivial thing to break up over if everything else is going good.

The one thing I have learned is that each partner I have been with is different in how I can approach them sexually. It varies how much I initiate versus how much another initiates. It also varies what is done and how much time is spent during foreplay and actual intercourse.

That being said, the majority of blame may fall on your boyfriend, but you harbour some as well. Takes two to tango after all. How often does he initiate? Do you always capitulate? It can be a ***** always initiating because it seems that the other person is uninterested and they're just doing you a favour.

So what can we do here. I think you're not getting all that you want from this. I know it is painfully obvious, but needs to be stated. You can take control, but you need to train him for lack of a better term. Accepting that your sex life is going to be sub-par is giving up too quickly. You can initiate more. I am not saying that just because I am a guy. Have it good and on your terms.

You also need to talk more. He is getting REALLY defensive, even when you're talking solely about yourself. He is thinking that your dissatisfaction is solely his fault. This might not be far off from the truth either. At this point you it is only relevant to say what is going on briefly. Next you need to talk about how you both can fix this. It isn't beyond repair.

Likely you will compromise that he has to step up his game a little which will cause you to be more interested and more willing to initiate. Otherwise it is a magazine and bottle of lotion for him.

If this doesn't work. Then you should look into couples/sexual counseling.

I hope something there helps, and good luck!
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