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Im 25 and my partner is 43. Whenever I annoy or offend him in any way he withdraws affection completely, up to a week. He speaks to me less and when he does its in a very cold way. He does this even if I immediately apologise. It really upsets me and I become needy and clingy and beg him to talk to me. Im terrified of doing anything to get him angry because it means days of misery and tears for me. Sometimes its just small things like I tickled him on the train and he got angry. Another time it was because I said it would be nice if we could move in together. I suffer from depression and when this happens I feel so much worse. I feel sick and scared and like no one likes or wants me. When he isn't angry with me he's very kind and affectionate. He travels 2 hours by train on the weekends to see me, hugs and kisses me, brings me little gifts. I love him so much and despite his behaviour sometimes I don't want to lose him. Maybe Im not seeing what I do wrong or how to make this better. Please help. I feel suicidal at the moment and very lonely. I feel like I'm nothing.
in Love and Relationship
How to get Lucky in Life

2 Answers

0 votes
He's a manipulative bastard, and he got you hard, I know you don't want to hear this, but you came here, and you came here not because you're happy.

I don't mean to judge, but before him, did you feel really bad, and really wanted to feel loved and happy in a relationship?

Trust me, it's not that he's no good, but you need to throw him out of your life, learn to accept yourself and start loving yourself, only then, you will be able to find a guy, who will make you even happier.

P.S. He's drawing you in with gifts and warmth and all those little things, and whenever you make a mistake, he punishes so you would go crawling to him, it's a really common manipulative move "lure in and withdraw" . I know it hurts , you feel like nothing, lonely. This happens, but do not doubt yourself, just try to make your life better, and start, by losing the chain he put around you.

P.P.S. Quick suggestion, do the same as he does to you, act like you do now, whenever he acts all cold, tell him, if that's how you're going to treat me, I don't need you, and don't write to him at all. This may give you a satisfaction because he might come crawling to you, begging to get back into your life, or he might not do that , and you're free, because you don't speak anymore!
0 votes
Definitely see a doctor for your health concerns, and consider a counsellor as well. It sounds as though you and your boyfriend repeat the same pattern over and over and it's time to break the mold. Have you actually spoken to him about how the two of you deal with disagreements or arguments? You might try bringing it up at a time when things are going well instead of begging him to talk to you. Issues are not getting resolved with the current way of communicating, or lack of communicating for his part.

Some people do need time after an argument to cool off, but it appears he carries it to an extreme and, as was said, it is a form of manipulation and control whether intentional or not.

Again, at a good time, bring it up for discussion. Whether he is receptive to working at making the relationship better, and that includes how disagreements are handled, will let you know if he is open to change. If not, you will have to consider whether the love you feel is enough or if you would prefer to have love, respect, and cooperation in a relationship instead.

Loving someone does not automatically make them a good partner for you...
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